5 Feb 2004
It’s almost midnight and I’m reflecting on a day that I’ve feared all my life. Today my consultant told me it was time to change my registration status from visually impaired to blind. Years ago I was so gripped with fear at this prospect I would just have run and cursed the world at the injustice of it all. I always thought that this moment would be too much to cope with... Yet here it is and while it’s not good news, it doesn’t scare me anything like I thought it would. My vision is failing and I may not keep even the sight I have now but I have Abbot in my life so it feels like anything is possible. His belief in me is awe-inspiring and life is good. Abbot sees enough for both of us. This last year has been the happiest time in my life and what happened today is a mere blip on life’s radar. The world has not fallen apart as I always thought it might. The old feeling of ‘Let’s run!’ has not surfaced. I have a strong feeling that we are now into uncharted territory. Just as I wrote that, Abbot wandered into the room and sat down beside me as if to say ‘It’ll be OK, Dad.’ And do you know what? I think he might just be right. Now I really am a true blindy and I don’t give a stuff. I love Denise, she loves me and Abbot and Tessa love us both. (Tessa was our pet dog at the time) What more is there? Good night and God bless. (Bloody hell, this diary is starting to sound like The Waltons.)
10 Feb 2004
These are strange days indeed. Since last week’s news I find myself looking at familiar things in a new light. I watch Denise as she’s sleeping and try and freeze the picture in my memory. I want to hold such pictures in my mind forever. Now and again I’m consumed by the fear that I might not be able to remember. Now and again I’m seized by the enormity of it all. I’ve never known fear like this.
14 Feb 2004
The practicalities of my sight loss are not the things that frighten me. Abbot has taught me that all such things are surmountable. No, it’s a grieving process for all the familiar things that I know I’ll miss terribly.
18 Feb 2004
Every time I look at someone or something that’s important to me, I find myself wondering if this is the last time I’ll see
that particular scene. I try and force such images into some kind of mental filing cabinet in the vain hope that I might be able to call them up at some point in the dreadful, sightless future.
21 Feb 2004
I’m more confident in Abbot’s powers than at any time since his arrival. I know that in a practical sense we will cope admirably. But like a child reading in bed I keep bargaining with God to leave the light on for just five more minutes. Please, God. Just five more minutes.
22 Feb 2004
Abbot’s my rock and deep in my heart I know we’ll be OK but right now I feel so lost and all at sea.
24 Feb 2004
There is no handbook for where I’m at now and this is so much a period of learning. I’ve no way of knowing if I’m handling things the right way. All I know is that with Abbot’s help I’m getting through it and although it may not be pretty to watch, we’re far from beaten. I’ve still got my independence. Abbot is helping me keep my dignity, which is the most important thing.
26 Feb 2004
The panic I’ve felt in recent days still rears its ugly head from time to time but I’ll be dammed if I’ll let it win. I know now just how far we’ve come and I’m not going to give up now. In Abbot’s head we two are one and in the last few days he’s assumed a new responsibility for my well-being.
I’m not facing this alone. Abbot is right here in the midst of it all, constantly checking to see if I’m OK.
10 March 2004
Today is my 44th birthday and it’s now over a month since I got the bad news from my consultant.
Days like this are landmarks. It’s time to take stock. This last month has been an emotional roller coaster. There have been days full of optimism and hope and then black days when I feel the whole world can fuck off. But I’m still here and the panic is subsiding. This is Dave plus Abbot. Nothing is impossible. I’ve placed all my faith in Abbot and he’ll get me through this period. He’s never let me down so far. He’s counting on me as much as I’m counting on him and I can’t let him down. We’re partners to the end.
You are an inspiration, I wish I was as articulate, sharing life's experiences is a great way to help others who are going through similar situations. We all assume everyone else is handling life so much better than we ourselves are, its good to hear others are just as scared as we are. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThis post had me in tears. I can't articulate very well the range of emotions going through my head.
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