Although I was first given the news of my sight loss back in 1989 it has been a gradual process. In 1989 I had to give up driving and as a consequence I lost my career. The shock of hearing of my sight loss, the loss of my licence and the loss of my job sent me in to a deep rage, a rage which literally lasted years, years of drinking, shouting, swearing, running away and generally not coping. Eventually by the mid 90’s I realised that the pity party had to end before it consumed me all together. I did a new degree, found a new career and began to sort myself out. Then in 2000 I suffered a further huge reduction in my vision and was registered partially sighted . It was recommended that I get a guide dog, a prospect I was not at all happy about and fought for many months. In December 2001, my first guide dog “Abbot” arrived. Imagine giving me, a Celtic Christian, a member of the Northumbria Community a dog called Abbot. I was very tickled by the idea of being led by an abbot and he was such a huge personality he won me over and life since then has been hugely happier.
In 2002 my sight got worse again and I was registered blind, a thing I had dreaded for years but with Abbot by my side it didn’t seem so bad. Abbot retired in June 2010 and along came Jarvis. In August 2015 we lost my beloved Abbot and we miss him so but it’s as if he has handed on the button to Jarvis who in the last few months has grown so much in stature. It’s as if Abbot had taught him all he would need to know before he left us.
Then recently the last remaining little bit of sight I have only in one eye has deteriorated to the point where I have only around 20% vision in that eye and nothing in the other.
Is it scary? Of course it is.
Am I frustrated? Of course I am.
So do I wish it was not happening? Of course I do.
However, throughout this whole sight loss journey I have learned so much. The practicalities of sight loss are not so much solvable but are able to be minimised, my computer speaks to me enabling me to work, read and write. I have Jarvis so I have reasonable freedom of movement. On a practical level I function quite well. But this is not the real sting of sight loss, losing your sight is a grieving process and for me it comes down to this. All the practical issues if not solvable at least I can find work around solutions to. No, it’s not that stuff, it’s waking in the morning to see the face of my wife, to see a sunset, to see Jarvis, sights that bring me light, joy and hope.
So I don’t know where things are going with this latest deterioration but I do know that Jesus has been with me on every step of this journey, he sent me Abbot, then Jarvis, who have not just been wonderful guides but teachers who have taught me so much about facing up to things and they have been a constant source of comfort and inspiration.
Whatever is round the corner my wife Denise, Jarvis, Jesus and I will face it together. We are not defeated, bruised? Yes Battered? Yes. But the first command you learn with a guide dog is the command “forward” and ever since Abbot’s arrival back in 2001 we have continued to do just that, to move forward and we shall continue to do so.
Many Christian friends talk to me about healing when what they really mean is cure. No Jesus has not taken away my sight loss but when I think back 25yrs to all the anger and running he sure has healed me and I rejoice in the fact that he continues to do so.
So whatever happens out there in the scary sightless future I know it will be OK, I’m not alone on the journey and that is all that matters.
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